So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
