i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
