Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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