he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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