So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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