I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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