I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
