I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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