Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
