apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
