I wish my penis had an off switch
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
