Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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