I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
