Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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