i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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