someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
