I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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