I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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