Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dick very happy bro
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
