Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
