I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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