I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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