How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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