I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
