I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
