I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
