I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
