I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
