So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
