Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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