Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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