I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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