Please, let me fuck your mom
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
