It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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