Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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