I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
