I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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