That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i need some magic done to my vagina
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
