Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
