my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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