dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
