when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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