I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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