I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
