when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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