I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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