No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
