I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
only if we run a train.
done.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
