DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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