idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
