It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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