GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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