i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Randomize
