I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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