hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
