How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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